Not all men are douchebags. (But let’s be real, most of them are)

Too many times a girlfriend of mine has come to me wanting a shoulder to cry on. I’ve decided to finally blog about it once and for all so I can share what I think.

So, what’s wrong exactly? Well for three years she was being chased. No not by the police for her overdue library book (I completely forgot I had it, I swear), but by a dude. A good-looking and what appears to be a well off man seeking her courtship. But wait, why’s she crying?! She should feel flattered by the attention! Because girls like attention, right? It’s all we crave! Well, I’ll tell you why she’s crying: male privilege. That’s why.

See, guys really do love a tough chick. A bonafide badass who can keep her own. She’s confident, sexy and can fix her own damn car. We can all agree that this is the ideal type for all men. Where the problem lies is how they choose to treat her. A mentally stable guy would put a ring on it before Beyonce can woah-oh-oh. A shy guy is intimidated and humbled, which is pretty cute. But a douchebag…a douchebag will attempt to destroy her. Why? Because he most likely envies her self-love.

Let us look at the qualities of a douchebag, shall we?

*A closeted misogynist: I mean he agrees with women’s rights and all and he’s good to his mama but he’s got more testosterone than you and its not HIS fault you weren’t as blessed.

*Emotionally unavailable: he couldn’t express his feelings even if someone wrote it down for him. He’ll probably pretend he couldn’t read just to get out of it.

*Ego bigger than the state of Texas: he’s always right. He doesnt say it because he’s “modest”, but he knows he’s the best looking guy on earth. Now don’t get confused, he doesn’t think you’re wrong but you’re ignorant so he can’t waste his precious time with someone who isn’t as intellectual as him.

*Charming: the life of the party. He’s got his hat strategically dipped below one eye and an apricot scarf. You know the rest.

*Sometimes emotional: only when it’s to talk about how one ex-girlfriend in highschool tore his wittle heart in half. That’s probably because she knew her self-worth and dumped his sorry ass. And you sit there and listen to his sob story, wanting to mend him. You’re gonna fix him!!!! You’re gonna show him real love.

These are just the basics. The most important one is that he is manipulative. That’s why you never even noticed these traits. Because he is a great actor. What is his choice of attack for putting on a great show? Playing hot and cold.

See let me put it this way. Everyone likes taking long, warm showers right? Its so relaxing and makes you forget your troubles. The steam, the bubbles, the smells…ahhh, how wonderful. But then someone flushes the toilet and the shock of the icy cold water hits your body ruining everything. Frantically you twist knobs to make things warm again, to take you to that place of comfort. Then it goes back to warm and you’re in that zone again. Then FLUSH! Panic. Warmth. Cold. And so on and so forth.

Oh why does this keep happening?

Because your pipes suck. And he is control of the toilet.Yup. I just compared a guy to a toilet. But that’s what they are…because they’re so full of shit. You can’t expect nice long showers if you don’t have adequate pipes. He’s going to keep doing that until you decide to repair your pipes. Its gonna cost a lot of money and discomfort. You might have to start taking showers somewhere else. But its the only way you’ll ever take a nice shower again.

Then when you do decide to do that, you’ll beat yourself up. How were you so stupid to live like that for so long? That’s where I come in.

I’m here to tell you: don’t be that girl that blames herself. Don’t hate yourself for being emotionally stable. He’s going to try and make it seem like you’re insane. You were the clingy one. You decided to stay. He was just riding along, innocently…he was following your lead. You were just having fun! He never expressed love for you so why are you getting upset?

But: you did nothing wrong by being naive. What do I mean by that? When was being naive a better option? Well in this case, it is. It means that you are a NICE person. You know now that you’re absolutely normal. Because you are a decent human being, you listen to cries for help and you genuinely want to help. Especially when you think a person loves you.

You are not a toilet. Unlike a douchebag, you know you can’t be strong all the time. And that’s okay.

What you do need to realize is this: not everyone wants to be helped. This is where you need to draw the line. None of that Tammy Wynette Stand-By-Your-Man bullshit. No, he’s not “only a man & doesnt know better” (male privilege)…he is a dipshit. You may think you already invested so much time and maybe one day he will understand. But he won’t. His ego stems from his insecurity and his ego must be fed to survive. Dont be his bait.

Go out. Get fit. Have fun. Do whatever makes you feel good. But don’t ever blame yourself for a douchebag. Just pray, like the good person that you are, that he doesn’t die alone because of his selfish actions. And move on. There’s no use in being hurt.

Leila Saleh

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4 thoughts on “Not all men are douchebags. (But let’s be real, most of them are)

  1. Leila Saleh,
    Congratulations on is amazing article depicting men as douchebags, or was it toilets? I’m not really sure which reference you prefer.
    According to you, “His ego stems from his insecurity and his ego must be fed to survive.”
    Did you read a book called “Gone With The Wind” get through the third chapter, and decide to write this article?
    If I were to follow your logical fallacy, can’t I assume all women are manipulative B*tches, which renders [Most] men douchebags? But I won’t make such false accusations, unlike you would.
    If too many times a girlfriend of yours has cried on your shoulder because of something a man did, then too many times a male friend of mine leaned on my shoulder because of something a non-douchebag did.
    Your article conveys the views of a hardcore feminist Lesbian that refuse to shave her legs, because she doesn’t want men touching or looking at her.
    Furthermore, I am impressed by your categorization of men. It dumbfounds me that we are so, how would you, egoistic? or would you prefer to call us misogynists? Maybe…Toilets?
    Speaking of “ego”, didn’t you post a picture on your Facebook profile captioned: “I know I’ve got a big ego, I really don’t know why it’s such a big deal though”.
    Oh, I apologize for quoting, I should keep in mind the aspect of “Female privilege.”
    A note for the readers, The above quoted phrase captions a gif (graphic interchange format):
    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0mrei1es81qf4gzoo1_500.gif
    I am not sure you are familiar with the term “stereotype”. Shall we describe it?
    Okay
    According to google, the term stereotype means: “a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.”
    Keyword: Oversimplified
    Example: Your article
    I would like to introduce you to another term: Self fulfilling Prophecy.
    According to my google search, this term is defined as: “A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true, by the very terms of the prophecy itself, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior. …”
    For example, you assume all men are douche-bags, and you treat men, with that assumption. Such treatment, causes them to be douchebags to you. Hence, your prophecy, of men being douchebags, has come true, because you bring out the douchebag, or toilet in them.
    I hope this gives you an idea of why most men are douchebags, or toilets, whichever reference you prefer. Shan’t you call us rapists while you are at it?
    Since you had the creativity to call us douchbags, misogynists, toilets, emotionally unavailable, and charming, couldn’t you have found a better word other than the word ‘nice’ to describe women? I mean the word nice, being used to describe the amazing female sex, is rather common. On that not, even though the descriptions were offensive, I am glad that you took the time to flip through the dictionary to find words to describe us.
    Granted the fact that you are free to voice or ‘word’ your thoughts, I really hope you are not a middle school teacher. If you are though, please keep this ‘knowledge’ of men to yourself, and avoid turning middle school girls into asexual feminists?

    • Your argument is not a compelling one at all. Let me show you why…

      First of all, get in touch with pop culture before you make a ridiculous claim in attempt to defame me. That phrase you quoted is from a Marina & The Diamonds song called Primadonna (err hence the gif of Marina & The Diamonds that you felt the need to share) where she mocks girls who lead Primadonna lifestyles. Girls that think they are queens of the world. Seriously. That was the weakest investigation on earth but thanks for letting me known you’re one of my facebook friends “Ghassan”.

      Second of all, you claim that if you followed my “logical fallacy” (I think you meant illogical, bud) you would call all womes bitches. But I didnt call all men douchebags. Its in the damn title. Not all guys are douchebags. I even talk about mentally stable and shy guys therefore acknowledging that they exist. Next.

      Third, I just shaved my legs right now. I most definitely am not a lesbian (and you said it so offensively, as if its a bad thing). I want a decent guy who’s not a player aka douchebag

      Fourth, uhhh stereotyping douchebags is a bad thing? Is there such a thing as a good douchebag???

      Btw you just exhibited one of the traits I mentioned “the closeted misogynist” where youre kinda into women’s rights (whats wrong with being nice??) but at the same time get soooo offended with I call out a player.

      I actually do teach middle school girls. 🙂 and I wasnt going to but now Ill share my blog with them, “Ghassan”.

      Keep your poor investigation skills and googling definitions to yourself. I teach English. I know what these words mean. Save your energy.

      Still laughing at the Marina and the Diamonds thing, bro.

  2. I really apologize, because i really thought that you would actually understand my article.
    you misconstrued a lot of the points.
    I calle women an amazing sex, how am i a misogynist, if anything, i have bedded more ladies than playboy moguls.
    i hop you and I can run into each other in the future.
    we are not Facebook friends leila, that picture is public profile honey.
    Also, i cannot believe my prediction of you being a middle school teacher was right. that is so cool. Again I beg you to refrain from turning middle school girls into a sexual feminists.
    Oh, and one more thing, regarding pop culture reference, no one is better than I am at it.
    Here is one
    “She puts her High Heels on so she’s closer to god.”
    “Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee
    And I detest all my sins
    Because I dread the loss of heaven, and the pains of hell
    But most of all because I love Thee,
    And I want so badly to be good”
    ta ta

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